


Light

by did_someone_say_plums



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Brief Smut, Bucky throws himself a pity party, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Heavy Angst, Smut, Violence, reader shuts that shit down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 09:49:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15386145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/did_someone_say_plums/pseuds/did_someone_say_plums
Summary: He wanted to claim her, he wanted to be selfish and let everyone know that she was his and no one else’s. He wanted her, the kind of want that gnawed his chest and couldn’t be sated. He wouldn’t cross that line, he couldn’t. He couldn’t ruin her like that, he didn’t want to contaminate her. He could never have her. He was the bad in the world, he was the monster under the bed and he couldn’t protect her if he was around. It was only a matter of time until he slipped up and gave in.Warnings: Angst. Mild smut. Graphic violence (brief). Self loathing, lots of it.





	Light

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry for the lack of posts, I’ve been working crazy hours and I really wish I had more time to sit down and right. This is from Bucky’s P.O.V so instead of using “you” I used “her”. I really enjoyed writing this one! I hope you guys like it!
> 
> I'm posting this at 4 am so please excuse any grammar errors lol

Bucky had been living at the tower for nearly a year. He’d been living there a year yet he still felt uncomfortable and out of place. Everywhere he went, no matter where he was, people stared and pointed. He could feel his skin burn under the gazes of those he passed by, his whole body tensing up. He could practically feel the hatred radiating off of them. He wished he could ignore the whispers, the speculation on the amount of people he had killed, the rumors about what Hydra had done to him but his enhanced hearing wouldn’t let him, just another way that Hydra had a continuous hold over his life. There was one person, however, that didn’t treat him any different. One person who didn’t take pity on him, who didn’t speculate or stare.

The day she arrived at the tower was seared into his brain, a vivid memory that was holding on for dear life, a flash of color in an otherwise grey world. Wherever she went she brought light and warmth, she radiated it. He was captivated by her, the minute she walked into the room she had every ounce of his attention. He studied the way she walked, the way that she seemed to float across the room, the way the light reflected off her skin and made it look like she was glowing. She was what made the world beautiful. Bucky could hardly bring himself to make eye contact with her at first, he was afraid that it would shatter everything that she was.

He tried to distance himself, to keep himself far away from her but she wouldn’t have any of it. Wherever he went she wasn’t far behind, following him around like a lost dog. While he saw himself as disgusting and infectious she saw him has resilient and reassuring, steadfast and headstrong. She found comfort in his presence, especially on the days when her anxiety would get the best of her. It wasn’t long until they were known as a package deal, wherever Bucky went she went, and wherever she went Buck wasn’t far behind. If Bucky was on the couch watching yet another movie that he had missed out on, she was there, curled up into his side with his arm protectively around her. If she was in the kitchen rummaging for a snack at midnight, Bucky was there, leaning against the counter and teasing her for her proclivity for anything sweet. If she spent her day off sleeping and lounging in bed then Bucky was right there next to her.

His favorite days were the ones spent with her. He loved the way that she could make doing nothing the most fun he’d ever had. He loved the way she looked wearing her pajamas curled up next to him. He loved the way she looked when she chewed on her lip while she was concentrating on something. He loved how just her placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder could pull him out of his darkest thoughts. Most of all he loved her laugh and the way it rang out through the room, sending waves of warmth through his body. Her laugh brought back memories he didn’t know he had, happy memories that for a brief, brief moment made him forget about Hydra. Those happy memories never lasted long. The guilt would creep back in, a reminder that he didn’t belong here, he didn’t deserve her. He was the devil, he had torn families apart, murdered people that he couldn’t even remember the names of. He had strangled people with the grotesque, metal mass attached to his body. He had felt their pulse weaken under his hand, felt their breathes become more labored, seen the life slip from their eyes. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t rid the feeling of blood on his hands. He didn’t deserve her, not after everything he had done.

There was still a part of him that wanted to forget everything and just be with her. He knew he couldn’t do that to her but there was a small part of him that was encouraging him to be selfish, to do it anyway. He wanted to claim her, he wanted to be selfish and let everyone know that she was his and no one else’s. He wanted her, the kind of want that gnawed his chest and couldn’t be sated. He wouldn’t cross that line, he couldn’t. He couldn’t ruin her like that, he didn’t want to contaminate her. He could never have her. He was the bad in the world, he was the monster under the bed and he couldn’t protect her if he was around.

It was only a matter of time until he slipped up and gave in. Steve finally corned him one morning after Bucky had snuck out of her room, careful not to wake her. He had tried to deny what he had been doing in her room but Steve knew better and if he didn’t then his hair and the bruises littering his neck surely gave him away. He never meant to cross that line but how could he not when she had looked at him like that, when she had kissed him like that. He could still feel her, could still taste her on his tongue. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw her writhing under him, he could hear her moans. They had been sitting on his bed, watching movies like they always did and she had laughed, that fucking laugh, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He kissed her and _fuck_ if that wasn’t the best thing he’d ever felt.

He let the previous night replay in his mind. He had pulled her in closer, grabbing her by the waist and moving her on top of him and pushing his hands up under her shirt, her hands winding in his hair pulling him closer. His hands explored her body, coming to rest on her hips before pulling her down harder onto him, hips thrusting up into her, his confined length grinding right on her clothed clit. She pulled away from his lips to let out a moan, pulling his head to her neck where he began biting and sucking, not caring about the marks that would surely be there tomorrow . They kept up that rhythm for what seemed like hours but was only a few minutes, his hands resting on her hips, pushing and pulling while she let out small whimpers above him. She pushed his hands away, her hands moving to work on unbuttoning his pants.  He moved her off of his lap and climbed off the bed, kicking his pants the rest of the way off before removing his shirt, throwing it somewhere behind him. He watched as she worked on removing what was left of her clothes, her shirt and bra having been discarded some time ago. He peeled down her pants and soaked panties, letting out a moan at the sight of her wet pussy. He yanked down his boxers before climbing over her, his hard dick brushing against her clit. He reached down and guided himself into her, letting out a groan as he buried himself in her wet heat, her nails digging into his back as she curled into him, legs locking around his waist. He bottomed out, his face pressed into her neck as he took deep breaths and tried to compose himself. He moved one hand down to circle her clit as he began thrusting into her, her legs pressing into him only encouraged him to go faster. Neither of them lasted long, her orgasm triggered his, his hips stuttering as he spilled into her, groans escaping his lips.

“What are you doing, Buck? You can’t keep doing this forever, at some point she’s going to want to know what you two are.”

“You don’t think I know that Steve? I can’t have her, I shouldn’t have taken it that far. She deserves better.”

“You deserve to be happy.”

Bucky didn’t agree, not one bit. He spent the next few weeks avoiding her, trying to distance himself. The more he distanced himself the more the darkness around him grew and he couldn’t help but think he deserved it after everything he did. Even if they were together he knew it wouldn’t last. She would grow tired of him eventually. She would grow tired of his nightmares where he would wake up screaming and not knowing if he was back with Hydra or safe in his bed. She would grow tired of the way he seemed to suck the warmth and joy from people around them like a black hole, leaving those in his presence empty and wary of his presence.

He had done horrific, unspeakable things in his life and he carried the darkness from that wherever he went. It hung over him, refusing to remove its claws from his back, following him into every room he went, a reminder that he didn’t belong. He didn’t deserve to be here, not after everything he had done. He didn’t want to ruin her, stain her light with the darkness he carried with him. He didn’t want to smother her light, he didn’t want to be the reason that she stopped being _her._ He knew her, he knew that she would put all her energy into trying to fix him. He couldn’t tie her down like that, he couldn’t put his problems on her. It was better if she stayed away.

He couldn’t help but imagine what his life would be like with her, to be woken up every morning not by the light from the morning sun but from the light radiating off of her. He wanted to be the reason she laughed, to be the reason she smiled. He imagined what it would be like to leave the life of missions behind, to move with her to a small farmhouse where there was no city noise, no traffic, where there was fresh air and stars in the sky and it was safe, free of threats. He wanted nothing more than to protect her from the world. The more that he got lost in his fantasy the more his heart broke for what he couldn’t have. She deserved so much more. She deserved so much more than a broken man who had no control over his mind. He had no control over the thoughts that barreled their way to the front of his mind, no control over whether or not he woke up as the Soldier or himself. She deserved someone who didn’t lose all semblance of control with ten simple words.

If he had a perfect soul then maybe, maybe they could work. His soul was marred, polluted by decades of atrocities that would make even the most seasoned warrior sick to the stomach. Imprints of those he killed refused to leave, no matter how hard he tried to forget. His soul was like a dirty and tattered cloth, irreparable by even the most skilled seamstress. He didn’t trust himself not to hurt her. The worst nightmares, the ones that terrified him the most, weren’t of his time in Hydra. The worst nightmares were the ones where it was her he was choking, where it was her throat he was crushing in his metal hand. Those nightmares were the most vivid, he would wake up feeling sick and unable to go back to sleep until he made sure she was alive and breathing, safe in her bed far away from him.

It had been three weeks since _that_ night and she finally cornered him. He stood wide eyed in front of her, his face shifting to concern when he scanned her face, taking in the dark circles under her dull, tired eyes. They lacked their usual sparkle, their usual light. He felt guilt build in his stomach, he had done this. His darkness had spread to her, he should have never touched her, he should have never allowed her to get as close as she had. He tried to step around her but she placed a hand on his chest, pushing him back.

“No, you don’t get to run. Why are you avoiding me? What did I do?”

“Doll, you didn’t do anything.”

“Then why. Tell me why. What happened? I thought, I thought you felt something for me. For _weeks_ you flirt, hang around me, and then that night happened and it all stops. You start avoiding me. Was that all you wanted me for? Was I just some cheap _fuck_?” Her voice broke at the end, tears welling up in her eyes and Bucky swears his heart broke with it.

His resists the urge to brush away her tears, not wanting to dirty her up more than he already has. “No, you’re so much more than that to me.”

“Then why? Why am I not enough for you? Why don’t you want to be with me?”

“I do,”

“Then why won’t you?” Her voice was slowly getting louder and Bucky closed his eyes, his voice matching hers when he spoke.

“Because I’m a creep! Because you deserve so much more than some fucked up science experiment! I don’t want to ruin you. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve _killed_ people, murdered them in cold blood. I never intended to cross that line with you but I did and now I hurt you. That’s what I’m best at, I just suck the happiness out of everyone. We can’t be together, you’ll grow tired of always having to put me back together.” He didn’t realize he was crying until she reached up and brushed a tear off of his cheek.

“Bucky,”

“You don’t have to say anything, I can go now if you want.”

“Would you shut up? I love you, I’ve been in love with you for months. That night meant more to me than you know. You’re not just some science experiment, those deaths weren’t you, it was Hydra. Suck the happiness out of everyone? You’ve made me happier than anyone ever has. You bring light to my life, light that I’ve had trouble finding these past few weeks without you.”

Bucky looked down at her, a smile beginning to ghost over his lips. “You really mean that?”

She nodded. “I will never grow tired of putting you back together. I love you, so much it hurts. I want you, I don’t want anyone else.”

“What if I hurt you? What if I wake up and I’m not me and I hurt you”

She smiled. “You’re not the only ex-assassin between the two of us Buck. I can handle myself.”

He pulled her closer to him, lips brushing over hers. “You’re mine?”

She crushed her lips against his, his tongue dancing across her lips deepening the kiss as he grabbed at the back of her shirt, pressing her impossibly close to him.

She pulled away, breathing deep as she tried to regain her breath. “I’m yours.”


End file.
